Last night’s Game 6 loss was painful in every way possible.

The Red Wings blew it. Plain and simple. They fought back to tie the game after an up-and-down first period; they earned a lead after a solid second period; but then they sent me into spirals of rage and frustration with a ridiculous third period.

You always hear about the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I’m probably trivializing someone’s important work by making a sports correlation, but I’d like to present the five stages of last night’s third period, which had just about everything…except anything good. In quotes is my inner (and sometimes outer) monologue.

1. Denial (19:09, 3rd). “Oh, shit, they tied it up! No way. What a waste of a good second period. Brendan Smith is such an idiot. WHY did he leave his guy all alone there? Ugh. Jesus. Well, they had a goal to spare. There’s no way they play this bad for the whole period. Just keep working in the corners, play like you did before, this’ll all be good.”
2. Anger (14:20, 3rd). “Wait…that’s offsides. How did the refs not see that? Oh, crap, well just clear it. Get it out…come on…F#@K! WHAT THE F#@K! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN! SMITH! SMITH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! BICKELL SUCKS! AHHHHHH!” (Screaming tirade, thrown pillows, whacked sides of couches, stomped feet, more expletives. This continues for many minutes).
3. Depression (10:17, 3rd). “Yup. Of course that’s a penalty shot. Why bother keeping the game fair and close and objective…yup just give him a penalty shot so he’ll probably score even though Frolik’s awful…yup, he scored. Good. This is good.”
4. False Hope (00:51.9, 3rd). “Nice shot, Brunner! OK…they can tie this, then end it in overtime. Icing…OK, let’s go Wings, you got this…icing again, alright, just win the faceoff…OK, well bring it back up with some urgency…or just lose. Yeah, that’s great. That’s what I wanted the whole time. No, seriously, thanks Brunner. Thanks for scoring and bringing us within one with just enough time left that some sliver of hope emerges from my somersaulting stomach. That’s what I was hoping for. Fantastic feeling right now.”
5. Ang-pression (Final: Chicago 4, Detroit 3). There is no acceptance. There is never acceptance. Fact: June 12, 2009 still haunts me.

Everybody loves a Game 7, right Babs?

“I love Game 7s. I’m excited about it. We got a chance to push them out of the playoffs. Should be a lot of fun.”

Go Wings.